Recognize you have control of this, if nothing else — Michael Marcus Jan 10 By JESHOOTScom on Pixabay I rem...
Business
5/Cars/feat-tab
Search This Blog
Author Details
Templatesyard is a blogger resources site is a provider of high quality blogger template with premium looking layout and robust design. The main mission of templatesyard is to provide the best quality blogger templates.
How much of yourself did you leave in the trunk of your car today?
A
coworker retired this month. In his life, he started a charity, worked
with under-privileged kids, wrote a novel, and raised a beautiful
family.
That’s what he did outside of work. At work? He processed forms.
He
led a great life. And he was a great man. Yet every day, he drove to
work, and left that great part of himself in the trunk of his car.
So he could process forms.
This isn’t a unique story. People are amazing. They do tremendous things.
Talk
to the people around you. They’re artists and poets. They’re coaches
and leaders. They’re social workers and political advocates and lifelong
learners.
They’re all these things and more. On their free time.
At work? At work, they process forms. They follow procedures. And they do what’s asked of them.
Except what’s asked of them isn’t that impressive. Not compared to what they’re capable of.
How do we change this? How do we encourage people to be their best selves at work?
And I think that maybe the answer lies in a 75 year-old psychology paper.
A Psychological Turning Point
Prior to 1943, the study of psychology focused on the mentally ill. It prioritized avoidance and correction.
In 1943, the practice changed. One psychologist issued a paper called A Theory of Human Motivation
and forever altered psychology’s path. Instead of studying the mentally
ill, he reviewed top performers. Instead of correcting problems, he
offered opportunities for improvements.
He changed psychology from treating people as a “bag of symptoms” to focus on people’s potential for good, famously saying, “The new age which is already upon us is essentially the product of the turning inward to the self.”
The psychologist was Abraham Maslow. And he developed the famed Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Often shown as a pyramid, it suggests people have multiple levels of
needs, with higher level needs (self esteem and self-actualization) only
becoming a priority after basic needs (safety and security) are met.
Maslow
considered the lower levels of the pyramid to be “deficiency needs” as
we’re typically motivated by their absence. Once gained to a sufficient
level, their motivational power drops. And as we all know, once you have
$45 million in the bank, going up to $46 million doesn’t bring a lot of
added incentive.
In
contrast, the top level, self-actualization, is a “growth need.” When
we’re pursuing something for the sake of mastery, each gain fuels the
desire for more. Each achievement brings more motivation as we strive to
reach our full potential.
Which also drives people to do the amazing things they do.
The Traditional Bargain
“Our world no longer fairly compensates people who are cogs in a giant machine.” — Seth Godin, Linchpin
Most
companies offer a bargain. They say, come here and follow our
instructions. Do as we tell you. In return, we’ll take care of you.
We’ll give you money. We’ll give you security. We’ll even host company events so you can make friends.
And
it’s safe. If you’re following our process, you’re not really risking
yourself. Come take the safe deal. It comes with your very own cubicle.
It’s
enticing. Well, maybe not the cubicle part. But the safety, the
security, the belonging. Those are seductive. It’s difficult to look
past those.
That’s
why companies focus on them. And that’s also why the majority of people
are disengaged at work. And why they leave so much of themselves in the
trunk of their car.
Aim for the Higher Level
Where does your company focus? What bargains does it offer?
Are you only offering those lower level needs?
Make
no mistake, people need fair, competitive wages. While a lot of people
will tell you that money won’t make you happy, those people always seem
to have enough.
People need stability. No one likes working under constant threat of layoff.
And
people need belonging. As most people who work at conservative news
programs know, it’s difficult to be happy working besides people you
can’t respect.
These needs are important. They cannot be ignored.
But they are not enough. Not if we want people to bring their best selves to work.
As psychologist Barry Schwartz wrote, “If we design workplaces that permit people to find meaning in their work, we will be designing a human nature that values work.”
Lower
level needs are the entrance fee. They’re the starting point. They need
to be covered. But they’re not enough to motivate people to
consistently bring their best selves to work.
Live the Questions
So how do we bring self-actualization into our jobs? How do we bring these amazing things out of people?
I don’t have the answers. And any that I offered would be too generic to apply to your specific situation.
But I do have questions.
Questions that I’ve often asked other companies regarding this same
issue. So ask yourself a couple. Or ask your own. And maybe they’ll help
lead you to those answers.
Does anyone really care about your mission?
Most
employees don’t care about shareholder benefits. Or company returns or
any other fancy financial data. People want to understand that their
work is contributing toward a greater benefit. One that they’re proud to
be a part of.
What
are you doing to make people feel proud of their contribution? If
you’re asking people to give their all, what do you expect them to give
their all for?
Or as Simon Sinek wrote, “If
the leader of the organization can’t clearly articulate WHY the
organization exists in terms beyond its products or services, then how
does he expect the employees to know WHY to come to work?”
Can you connect peoples’ short-term goals to their long-term goals?
Everyone’s
happy to help with the short-term goals. Short-term goals support the
company’s needs. Write this report. Ship this product. Turn this crank.
And
most companies do encourage people to have long-term goals. They’re
happy to ask employees where they want to be in five years. But few
companies actively plan to make sure those short-term actions contribute
towards peoples’ long-term goals. To ensure today’s assignment will
benefit that five year vision.
Employees
know when a company invests in their development. They appreciate the
support. But more importantly, they’re able to let that growth compound.
As Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, through his work on Flow, described,
“When
we choose a goal and invest ourselves in it to the limits of our
concentration, whatever we do will be enjoyable. And once we have tasted
this joy, we will redouble our efforts to taste it again. This is the
way the self grows.”
How frequently do you give people the opportunity to truly contribute?
Meaning
comes from constant pursuit. It’s the focus of consistently building on
yesterday’s progress that drives fulfillment and brings out our best
efforts.
The great Lou Holtz once said “If what you did yesterday seems big, you haven’t done anything today.” Are you giving people the opportunity to do something big today?
“The
maintenance of self-esteem is a continuous task that taxes all of the
individual’s power and inner resources. We have to prove our worth and
justify our existence anew each day.”
What problems do you trust people to solve?
Go
to a grocery store. Bring an expired coupon. If a cashier refuses to
accept it, complain to a manager. The manager then accepts it.
Most
grocery stores instruct their cashiers not to accept expired coupons.
But managers are instructed to honor them if people complain. Can you
imagine a better way to show people that you they’re not trusted?
You hire people to be responsible. Let them be responsible. In the words of John J. Bernet, “Men are more important than tools. If you don’t believe so, put a good tool in the hands of a poor workman.”
How do you encourage employees to bring out their best ideas?
Standardization
often gets a bad rap. We think of mindless factory workers soon to be
replaced by machines. But standardization is also a benefit. It gives
people guidance so they can reliably start from the best position.
The
difference in mindless standardization and meaningful work is whether
we’re empowering people to contribute their own ideas. Empowerment helps
people contribute in their own unique way. When people are able to
contribute their own unique value, they feel uniquely valued. Are we
giving people that opportunity?
In the encouraging words of David Mamet, “Do
not internalize the industrial model. You are not one of the myriad of
interchangeable pieces, but a unique human being, and if you’ve got
something to say, say it, and think well of yourself while you’re
learning to say it better.”
How do you encourage people to practice excellence daily?
One
of my favorite parts of Disney World — other than the fact that
everyone has to be nice to me — is that every detail is always covered.
You’re left with little doubt that excellence is a daily practice.
In
our love of simplicity, too often we sacrifice the depth that’s
necessary to encourage excellence. In the words of Oliver Wendell
Holmes, “I would not give a fig for
simplicity this side of complexity, but I would give my life for the
simplicity on the other side of complexity.”
Until
we give people the opportunity to embrace excellence, simplicity is
just a short-cut. And few people find meaning in short-cuts.
How do you encourage people to grow?
Are you asking enough of your people?
There’s
a limit to the shear quantity of workload that people can support. I’m
not suggesting you load people up until they have a mental breakdown.
But
are you limiting your expectations to mere productivity? Are you only
asking people to come in and punch the clock? Or are you challenging
their ability to make that unique contribution?
As Michelangelo famously warned, “The
greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and
falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.”
The
same logic applies to our expectations of others. We do them no favors
by asking too little of them. We don’t build meaning by setting a low
bar.
In the words of Kara Swisher, “Smart people like to be challenged and they like smart people challenging them.”
You’re smart. Challenge people. I doubt you’ll be disappointed.
Build Meaning. Start Now. Don’t Look Back.
“Of
all the virtues we can learn, no trait is more useful, more essential
for survival, and more likely to improve the quality of life than the
ability to transform adversity into an enjoyable challenge.” — Mihaly
Csikszentmihalyi
I
could tell you that the world is changing. That there will be a time in
the near future when companies that can’t bring out the best from every
employee will lose their competitive edge and no longer be tenable. But
you’ve likely already heard that. And I don’t really know if it’s true.
So
instead I’ll just ask, what type of company do you want to be a part
of? One where people bring their best selves through the door? Or one
where they leave that part in the trunk of their car?
There’s plenty of opportunity for the latter. We just need to get started.
When we think about leadership,
we tend to think in terms of hierarchy — those at “the top” are
considered “the leaders” and those at the bottom are considered “the
followers.”
The
problem with this sort of perspective is that, in all honesty, just
because you hold a formal position on the ladder does not necessarily
mean you are a “leader.”
However, lots and lots of people wear their title and their badge of
honor proudly — while at the same time ignoring the fact that they are,
in fact, horrible leaders.
Don’t fall into the trap of doing any of the following, simply because you have a position of power — especially this first one:
1. You expect others to follow rules that you yourself do not follow.
This is, bar none, the most common mistake in leadership.
You cannot, and should not expect others to follow rules, codes, processes, and all the rest if you cannot follow them yourself.
If
you’re not showing up on time, don’t expect others to as well. If you
aren’t diligent and organized, don’t expect those beneath you to somehow
cultivate better habits. When you are a leader, you do not realize how
much of an influence you have on your team — even down to the smallest
habit.
You are the leader for a reason.
Everything you do must have purpose, so that those who look to you for guidance will do everything with purpose as well.
2. You do not keep your word.
The fastest way to lose respect (and earn resentment) as a leader is to say you’re going to do something and then not do it.
First
and foremost (going back to #1 here), it’s because it encourages a very
bad habit in those around you — “If he/she can slack off, so can I.”
As
a leader, it is so crucial that you do the things you say you are going
to do. And if you cannot do them, you need to communicate that openly
to your team in advance. For those looking to rise and become leaders,
this is equally important advice.
If you want to climb the ranks, this is one of the most effective ways to do it.
Keep your word.
That’s it.
Keep
your word and people will soon learn that you can be trusted — they can
count on you, no matter what. And that in itself will propel you to
where you want to go.
3. You do not (genuinely) admit when you are wrong.
Some “leaders” believe that admitting when they’re wrong is a sign of weakness.
It’s not.
In
fact, being wrong or having made a mistake and yet being incapable of
owning up to it reveals an even bigger weakness — and makes your team
question whether or not they can trust you.
If you make a mistake, or were incorrect about something, just say so.
This
will establish trust and an even playing field with you and your team,
showing them that you embody the same traits you expect of them — a
humility to be able to step back and take accountability.
4. You make promises you cannot keep.
This is a rabbit hole of disaster.
There
is no worse habit as a leader than making promises you know you can’t
keep. All this does is welcome in feelings of being let down. And the
next time you say you’re going to do something for someone, they will
not believe you — and even worse, they will become angry at you for
thinking you can fool them again and again.
Where
#2 is about following through with what you say you’re going to do on
your end, #4 here is about keeping promises that you make to someone
else.
5. You want to be the star.
As a leader, it’s your job to inspire, guide, direct, teach, motivate, and ultimately help others succeed.
It’s not to steal the spotlight.
The greatest leaders are the ones who, as Steve Jobs so eloquently put it, “play the orchestra.”
Fantastic leaders know how to step back and let others shine.
They know how to put others in positions to succeed themselves — which benefits the whole orchestra.
However,
as long as you want to be the star, with the spotlight on you and no
one else, you will squeeze the talent around you and keep it from ever
unfolding.
6. You criticize others but cannot take criticism yourself.
Healthy criticism is how teams members push each other to improve and get better — iron sharpens iron.
Harsh
criticism is what instills insecurity, fear, and an unwillingness to
take chances. If your style of leadership is healthy and positive,
expect others to do the same with you — which means you too will
continue growing and improving.
But
if your style of leadership is harsh, then expect the same to come back
to you — or worse, cause your entire team to go silent.
7. You believe your way is the right (and only) way.
And finally, the oh-so-debated topic of what is “the right way” of doing something.
The
truth is, there are very few things that have just one single “right”
way of doing them. So much of life is subjective, and that goes for the
work we do as well.
“Creative” to one person might be “boring” to another.
“Clean and sleek” to one is “dull and lackluster” to another.
If
you are a leader looking to build and scale your team, it is important
to learn and realize that your way is not necessarily “the right way.”
It may be “one of the” right ways, but it is not the “end all.”
It’s
important that you acknowledge this; otherwise, you will cultivate a
team of people who aren’t searching for the best solution to the
problem, but rather the best solution to appeal to your own unique
subjective definition of what is “right.”
The “cost” of something is this: what do I need to give up in order to get it?
When it comes to a short-term goal, you will have to give up significant things in order to hit your goal.
Here is what you need to give up now to be achieve something awesome before 2017 runs out.
1. Stop Rooting for Colors
“We’re often so busy cutting through the undergrowth we don’t even realize we’re in the wrong jungle.”
— Stephen Covey
If your actions cannot affect the end results of something, then you must stop paying attention to it.
What am I talking about?
Sports.
Why do we cheer so hard
As a teenager, I remember crying when my favorite team lost a game. I was crushed.
Later
on I found out that half of the team was out partying the night before a
game. As a fan, I was more ready and prepared for the game than the
team was! I used to sit in a fan section and stand, cheer, and yell for
hours during a game.
Let’s focus on the real problem: I was deluded into thinking that cheering for a winning team made me a winner.
Someone
recently asked Gary Vaynerchuk about his favorite football team, the
New York Jets. The guy ribbed Gary a little bit about the Jets. The
comment did not phase Gary. In fact, Gary said one of the most
insightful comments about sports I have ever heard.
“You root for winners. I am a winner. There is a difference.”
Stop cheering harder for people that you have never met than you cheer for people you love.
Stop committing more time to colored jerseys than you do to your own goals.
Colored
jerseys. That is the difference. Maybe you are cheering for your school
or your city. Sure, that makes sense. But I bet there are good people
on both teams. Why are you rooting against good people? It is not
rational.
Plus,
what happens if your favorite player gets traded to a different
team — a team that you hate? Does the player immediately became your
enemy, or a bad person, now that he wears a different jersey color? Does
that team itself actually change? Not at all.
You can still watch sports for fun. I have bonded with my dad and brothers through sports. I know my son loves sports as well.
But you need to stop cheering for jerseys. Or colors. Give it up if you want to move forward.
What else am I talking about?
Politics. Television. Movies. Gossip.
Some
of you who do not like sports probably thought that rooting for colors
only applied to sports. Sorry, no. It applies to many different areas.
Ask
yourself: are the people that I am cheering for going to cheer for me
when I am performing? If the answer is no, then it is time to pause and
reflect. And change.
Stop
rooting for colors. Root for good people to succeed based on doing good
work. But don’t compromise your goals in order to root for other people
who have no vested interest in your success.
Give up rooting for jerseys if you want to hit your short-term goals.
2. Stop Rationalizing
“We are not rational animals. We are rationalizing animals.”
— Christopher Sommer
Everyone
wants to claim perfect rationality. We all want to believe that our
decisions are all logical and coherent. We all believe that we are
smart.
A
study once revealed that over two-thirds of people surveyed believed
that they were above average. Some people are lying to themselves.
In a given moment, we believe that we are thinking about our problems in a logical manner.
But that is simply not true. In fact, our biggest mistakes come from believing that we are being “logical.”
The truth is that most people make a decision with emotion, and then justify the the emotional decision with logic.
But why do you need to give up rationalizing? Because rationalizing means you are making excuses.
Stop.
Someone else has had worse problems than you and has overcome them. Probably multiple people.
One of my favorite quotes about excuses is from Tim Ferriss, who was quoting Olympic coach Jim Conroy:
Just remember: somewhere a little Chinese girl is warming up with your max.
Ouch. But the truth hurts.
If
you are going to hit your short-term goal, you cannot make excuses. You
cannot rationalize. You must think and act based on reality. If you
fail, there is no excuse that you need to tell yourself or anyone else.
Failure is the amazing opportunity to learn and begin again.
Adversity makes weak men break, and strong men break records.
Stop rationalizing. Start moving.
3. Stop giving your ideas to other people.
When
you’re a champion, you have a powerful tool available to you. You can
lower your voice, pause, look everyone right in the eye and say, “I take
responsibility for making this happen.”
— Seth Godin
Stop giving your ideas to other people and then thinking that is equivalent to execution.
There
is a release that you get when you tell someone about an idea. This is
not good. There should be tension until the idea is executed. Then the
release — maybe. Do not let the tension drop until execution is
complete.
I
have worked in the entertainment and artistic fields for some time. One
thing that happens near-daily is that people will contact me and ask me
to read their script, review their book, or look at their artwork.
Implied in this request is that the person wants to know what I think
about his art.
Here is what I think: it doesn’t matter what I think.
Successful
people do not walk around asking what other people think of their
ideas. Successful people execute and get real feedback in the
marketplace — actual data. And then they learn, and either iterate or
try again.
The
truth is this: some of the best ideas do not make a single penny. Some
of the worst ideas make millions of dollars. The only way to know the
difference is to execute and figure out what will happen.
Without execution, there is no value in an idea.
Stop giving your ideas to other people and expecting magic to happen.
4. Stop being good.
“We are kept from our goals not by obstacles, but by a clear path to a lesser goal.”
— Robert Brault
Stop being good: not in a moral sense, but in the sense that good is somewhere on the scale that stretches from bad to great.
There
is a fundamental problem with “good.” It does not last. It is like a
piece of fruit that reaches perfect ripeness. The fruit tastes great at
that moment. But if you wait too long, it does not stay ripe. It becomes
rotten.
Our
own skills and achievements are exactly like the ripening fruit. We
need to be able to recognize the process of ripening and also the
process of rotting. Often, it feels great to be good at something. It is
exciting. But it takes that little something extra to push past the
inertia that starts to set in once we can taste a little bit of the
ripeness.
Here
is the problem: when we are good at something, other people start to
give us recognition. We can settle for receiving recognition instead of
hitting our goals. Don’t settle! The solution is to keep pushing,
regardless of whether we are “good” or others recognize our progress.
Stop when your goal is hit. Not when you are ripe or “good.”
5. Stop thinking that tomorrow exists.
“There are no ordinary moments.”
— Dan Millman
Tomorrow is a lie. It never comes.
Try
waiting for it. You will wait forever. Tomorrow is a figment of your
imagination. It is a thought. It is a dream. It is not going to come and
it will never will.
The only day that actually exists is today.
If you need to act, it must be done today. No excuses. No mercy. Today is all there is.
Just because you fall asleep that does not mean that the rest of the world stops.
When
you need to get something done, never think that you can do it
tomorrow. As soon as you hear yourself think “tomorrow” — stop. Do
whatever you need to do. The cost today is always less than the cost
tomorrow. Always. Never mortgage today to get to tomorrow. Always pay
the lower price now.
You start life at Point A. And you end life at Point B. Every day in between you have to crush it.
Stop thinking that tomorrow exists. It doesn’t.
6. Stop focusing on long-term goals.
Even the longest journey must begin where you stand.
If you want to hit a short-term goal, then you need to temporarily forget your long-term goals.
You
need to sacrifice your long-term goals in order to hit a short-term
goal. It does not mean that you should not have long-term goals. And
this does not mean that you should only think of today. But this does
mean that you need to so intensely focus on what is exactly in front of
you that you do not think about your long-term goals.
When
you are climbing a mountain, your long-term goal is to get to the
summit. But your short-term goal is to take one more step. As you climb
higher, each step becomes harder. You cannot focus both on that next
step and also on the summit. You will end up tripping, slipping, or
getting injured. You must intensely focus on the single, next step so
much that you momentarily forget, or block out, the long-term goal of
the summit.
Achieving
any short-term goal requires the same attitude. Focus on your next
step — today’s step — and be so intensely focused that you do not even
think about the long-term goal — until your short-term goal is done.
Use the gaps — the interstitial spaces after short-term goals are achieved — to return back to the long-term perspective.
I
love the story of the man sitting on the side of a mountain as he reads
an engrossing book. To enjoy the book, he needs to focus on the 12
inches in front of him. He needs to focus on the words on the page. But
to enjoy the mountain, he needs to look up and focus on the magnificence
of the expanse before and above him. Your short-term goal is the book.
But your long-term goal is the mountain. To enjoy the mountain, look up
every once in a while to take in the beauty.
But when you are traversing the difficult path right in front of you, focus on the next step only.
7. Stop letting other people’s problems become your urgencies.
“Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent instead of what is important.”
— Stephen Covey
You can’t solve everyone else’s problems. You can solve some. Maybe a lot. But not all. So what can you do?
Pick
the problems that you are going to solve. And then focus intensely on
those. You will have to ignore the other problems, at least temporarily.
If
you are going to sprint for (let’s say) 30 days to achieve a goal, then
you need to focus on your own goals and chosen problems.
Tom
Izzo has said, “Every successful person has a little jerk in them.” I
think this accurately describes what you need to give up.
Successful
people do not seem like jerks because they are mean, but because they
are focusing on their own chosen problems, goals, activities, and not
even giving any time or energy to other people’s problems.
Here’s
another way to think about this: don’t let other people’s problems
become your problems. Or don’t let other people’s urgencies become your
urgencies.
Stop
accepting other people’s problems. If you truly want to help, then set
this as a goal and specifically act in a way that will help who you want
to help.
Do not deny to the world a person who can focus and solve the problems right in front of them.
I
used to do accept every problem that I heard about as my own. The
reason why can be boiled down to one concept: I did not elevate the
importance of my own goals.
If
I were training for the Olympics, then I imagine I could tell everyone
around me: “Sorry, I can’t help right now. I need to train for the
Olympics.” I hope my sacrifice would be self-explanatory at that point.
But for many goals, you treat them differently.
Previously, I would have thought that my goal is considerably less important than the Olympics, in my own mind.
And so when someone would ask me what I’m doing, I would not even think
about my goal, or that my goal requires me to sacrifice.
I
love the people around me. I always want to help if I can. But here is
what I tell myself: If I never achieve, or hit my own goals, then over
time, I will never be able to help others — especially the people that I
love.
And
this doesn’t mean don’t spend time with your family, close friends, or
other important relationships. If any issue arises in those groups,
those issues become my short-term goals that I need to focus on and
solve.
Do not let other people’s urgencies take up real estate in your mind without your permission.
8. Sacrifice perfection.
“Perfection is the enemy of done.”
— Jeff Goins
Perfection
is a god, and she is mean, cruel, and unforgiving. We cast our work
before her, so she can destroy it. For 30 days, we need to ignore
perfection and focus on another deity: execution.
Quality is imperative, but quantity creates quality.
The filmmaker Robert Rodriguez has referenced the book Fear and Art as one of the most influential books in his life. My favorite story from that book is about a pottery class.
In
the pottery class, the teacher divided the students into two groups.
The first group would be graded strictly on quality. Those students
would submit one piece of pottery at the end of the term and the teacher
would grade the single piece on its quality.
The
second group would be graded only on quantity. If 100 pieces of pottery
are submitted, then the student would receive an A, 80 for a B, and 60
for a C.
At
the end of the term, the results shocked the teacher. The students
graded on quantity only had incredibly better pottery. It was not even
close. The students graded on quality initially spent a lot of time on
each piece. But the students graded on quantity rapidly made pieces. The
intense focus on producing lots of pieces in a short time caused the
quantity students to get better faster.
The first time my wife met one of my closest friends, she leaned over to me, and said, “That laugh.”
My
buddy was blessed by the gods with one of those deep, whole body types
of laughs that is impossible to fake, and equally impossible not to
laugh along with. Top this off with a friendly face, and a personality
that reinforces his positivity, and with little to no effort, wherever
he goes he leaves a memorable impression on everyone he meets (actually
everyone within earshot).
A
word we often associate with someone like my friend whose demeanour
immediately puts people at ease, while simultaneously igniting a room,
is “charisma.”
Most
mortals are not blessed with this type of superpower. I certainly
wasn’t. In fact, it could be said that I fall on the opposite end of the
spectrum, as I grew up with a severe speech impediment. I especially
have a difficult time with words that start with the letter “m”, and
being that my name is Michael, the word “charisma” was seldom used in my
vicinity when meeting new people.
However, after 39 years of studying charismatic people as an envious on-looker, I
have come to the conclusion that the key to “charisma” lies in working
with the strengths you already possess and showcasing them in a way that
is authentic and natural to you as an individual.
Below
are 6 characteristics that run consistent in charismatic people that
can be achieved by anyone as long as they are willing to put in the
work.
1. LET YOUR BODY LANGUAGE BOOST YOUR SPOKEN WORD: If
you are anything like me and a bit more introverted than extroverted,
use the strength of your body to add confidence to your spoken word. In a
now viral TED talk, Harvard researcher, Amy Cuddy provides a strong argument that we can raise our own confidence levels by simply being more aware of our posture.
Give
it a shot for just 10 seconds and sit up straight (think Superman or
Wonder Woman) and breathe. The effects are real. Or if Wonder Woman is
not your thing, try Dorothy and click your heels together — it literally
pains me to bend my head down when standing like this.
2. PRACTICE BEING PRESENT IN YOUR DAY TO DAY CONVERSATIONS: The
average person interprets speech at an average of 500 words per minute,
but most people only speak at a rate of 150 words per minute, leaving
plenty of time for mind-wandering on the part of the listener. This is
again where our non-verbals can come into play and can help us to come
off as someone who is an attentive listener, a key trait in charismatic
people.
When
listening, be cautious of your micro expressions when you start to
loose concentration and shift your focus back to the speaker. Give a
subtle touch that reinforces your support for the individual you are
speaking with when warranted. Take advantage of the fact that most
people get bored in conversations and their bodies show it by practicing
being more present in each conversation. Those on the receiving end
will not only see it, but they will feel it.
Quick
side — after each interaction jot down three things you learned about
them. The smaller the detail the better. This challenge will keep you
involved and will make you look like a star the next time you see them
and you ask about their partner by name.
3. PUT THE FOCUS ON OTHER PEOPLE: According to Brett and Kate McKay, owners of the highly successful blog and podcast, “The Art of Manliness”,
the key to charisma lies in, “the paradoxical secret of charisma is
that it’s not about trumpeting your good qualities, but making the other
person feel good about theirs.”
This
again is great for the introverts out there for the simple fact that by
shining the spotlight on others some of the light will still reach the
person doing the shining. By asking good questions, and giving those on
the receiving end an opportunity to showcase their best qualities, both
people end up looking good.
A
simple way to do this when meeting new people at a networking event is
to lead with the question, “If you were not here tonight, what does your
normal Tuesday look like?” This allows the person you are speaking with
to talk about their family, hobbies or new company they are trying to
start and who does not show their passion when speaking about these
topics.
4. CONNECT PEOPLE: Being
known as a “connector” is a skill that will always be in demand, and if
done properly, can really boost your reputation as someone who is
charismatic.
The
truly charismatic want the people in their circle to succeed and are
constantly working to expand it. When introducing someone, take the
extra time to throw a compliment into the mix by saying some variation
of the following, “Hey Ian, this is Steve, the guy I was telling you
about who is great with problem solving and may be able to really help
you address the challenge you are facing.”
Three
things happen here. Steve looks good in the eyes of Ian. You look good
in both the eyes of Ian and Steve. You look even better when Steve and
Ian indeed do connect and praise your name going forward, creating a
touch of mystery around you, which never hurts in building charisma.
Nothing builds a reputation faster that being known as the person who wants the best for others.
5. GET UNCOMFORTABLE, THEN PRACTICE “STORY-TELLING”: Being
comfortable talking about yourself when the conversation turns in your
direction is key in creating charisma, and “story-telling” is on this
list because it is something that each of us can control and get better
at with practice.
All
of us have stories of our personal accounts of overcoming an obstacle
that show our vulnerability. These “failure” experiences, or “hard
lesson to learn” stories, delivered with a light-hearted, yet confident
delivery, can go a long way in gaining charisma points.
There
is no better way to get good at this than getting down on paper a
handful of these experiences and recording yourself on your computer
prior to taking them to the streets. The difference from “take 1” to
“take 10” will be immediately evident as you will clearly see where you
can improve your body language and facial gestures, when you need to
raise your voice to drive a point home, and when to let the power of
silence do the speaking for you.
6. AVOID ALL NEGATIVE TALK: There
is a fine line between talking about your short-comings and failures in
a light-hearted way, and complaining, and those that master the
difference, win.
Growing up my mom always told me that the best way to avoid complaining is to not give yourself or other people the chance.
Odds
are high the last time you met with someone you lead with some form of,
“What´s up?” or “How is it going?” This may seem harmless, but what we
are really doing is unintentionally leaving the future conversation up
to chance, leaving the door open for a laundry list of negative things
to come our way.
Try
starting out your next conversation with something like, “What´s going
well in your life right now” or “What is the best thing to happen to you
in the last month?” and take note of the high quality conversation that
follows.
The best part about becoming more charismatic is that each of the things above can be practiced with each encounter.
You can practice your stories with your family and friends before telling it to new people.
You can be more conscious of your posture and how “present” you are in each conversation.
You
can cut out the complaining and lead with positive questions to steer
conversations in a manner that makes other people feel good about
themselves.
Like any skill it, becoming more charismatic just takes practice and having the guts to fail in order to one day succeed.
When I was in the 3rd grade, we had to write a paragraph about something we loved, and then draw a picture in the box above it.
We
were first asked to draw and write in pencil, and then once the teacher
had checked our work, we were supposed to carefully go over each word
in the paragraph with a black pen, creating the finished product.
When
I started going over the words with my black pen, I outlined the first
word of the paragraph, and then the second, and then I thought it would
be fun to outline the last word of my story, and then some words in the
middle — just sort of outlining the letters I was drawn to next, not
following any sort of rigid path.
My teacher walked over and said, “Cole? How’s it coming?”
I held up my piece of paper to show her how far I’d gotten — I was very proud of my work.
She scrunched her eyebrows, crossed her arms and asked, “Why aren’t you going over the words in order?”
A bit confused by her question, I said, very honestly, “They’re all going to be colored in at the end. Why does it matter how I get there?”
She called home that night and told my parents I had a learning disability.
My experience with formal education was, shall we say, less than impressive.
I
was a straight C student all the way up through high school. I was a
horrible test-taker. I didn’t do very well on my ACT. I was constantly
asked to leave class because the questions I would ask were so
rudimentary that my teachers thought I was mocking them — when really
(at least, most of the time…) I just had trouble following the lesson.
Not everyone learns the same way.
And
I believe a significant portion of my adolescence was wasted by a
school system that tried to wedge me into a tiny circle on a Scranton
sheet.
I’m not dumb.
I’ve
been playing Mozart and Beethoven on the piano since I was seven years
old. I’ve won writing contests and debate competitions. I am about to publish my first book.
I just learn better by getting my hands dirty — not sitting in a
fake-marble desk chair listening to a monotone teacher in front of a
whiteboard.
Now,
I’ll be the first to admit I definitely did not give school everything I
had — I gave up on school at a very early age. Mostly because I felt
like school gave up on me.
School never asked, “How do you learn?” Instead, school told me how I should learn — and when it didn’t work, school called me Dumb.
Well, here are 9 things school didn’t teach me that I learned on my own:
1. There Are No Rules.
The
people who enforce the rules (creatively speaking here) are the people
who don’t have the confidence or the belief that the world is an easel
and everyone has a paintbrush.
2. Titles Are Crippling, Not “The Goal”.
All
those kids that got straight As, went to the Ivy League school of their
choice, got the fancy title at the fancy company… They can keep it.
Titles are crippling.
Titles
encourage you to relax, and let your title speak for you — instead of
your skill and knowledge earning you other people’s respect.
But
when push comes to shove, it’s the people who have gotten their hands
dirty in the trenches you want on your team. Not the ones with a fancy
title in front of their names.
3. There Is No “1 Right Way” To Do Anything.
This is a massive disservice school teaches kids — that there is a “right” way and a “wrong” way.
False. There are a million ways.
And
the name of the game isn’t to do it any one particular way. It’s to
understand which one works the best for YOU, and will allow you to
maximize your strengths.
4. HOW Is More Important Than WHAT.
HOW you do something is far more important than WHAT you do.
In
every industry, there are those who do things with honor, integrity,
discipline, passion, and heart, and there are those who do so with
malicious intent, or a lack of sincerity, etc.
Think
about the people who respect or look up to. You look up to them because
of HOW they approach what they do, not WHAT they do.
5. Acceptance Is Overrated.
Remember all those class projects you had to do?
Remember all the times you were told to agree with your classmates for the sake of learning how to ‘work well with others’ ?
That cultivates a bad habit of suppressing your own unique voice and the great debates that spark truly meaningful ideas.
Being accepted is overrated — and the real world taught me that the hard way.
6. Learning How To Learn Is What’s Important.
Reiterating the point here, school would be so much more beneficial if it taught students HOW to learn — not WHAT to learn.
What good is memorizing chemistry equations if you don’t fundamentally understand the process of learning?
So many kids struggle as soon as they get out of school because they don’t have anyone telling them anymore, “Here, learn this next.”
They lack direction — because they were never taught the art of learning.
7. Your Passion Is Not A Waste Of Time.
School
(and society at large) wants us to believe that there are acceptable
hobbies and hobbies that are a waste of time. It’s the reason the first
departments to go are always art or music related.
But
what you love is NEVER a waste of time. You will always learn more from
an interest pulled at from your heart than a pursuit dangled in front
of your head.
8. “Success” Does Not Have One Definition.
School likes to measure things — usually in the form of a letter grade beside each subject of study.
It
inherently defines “success” as “better” or “higher” or “more.” But
that’s just not true. “Success” could mean honest expression, or it
could mean presence, or it could mean facing a challenge, failing, and
learning a valuable lesson.
Success comes in many different forms. It’s not always about getting the “A.”
9. It’s OK To Be Different.
And finally, the most important one of them all: Who you are is already good enough.
School
has this funny way of making kids that are “different” feel
extra-different, extra-weird, extra-not-normal. But you know what? Get
out into the real world, and the most valuable thing you could possibly
have is to be “different.”
Everybody wants to stand out. Everybody wants something that’s going to set them apart.